It's not all about you, Sarah

After a long and chilly night of Halloween trick-or-treating, eating two helpings of pot roast, and snuggling under three blankets to be "nice and toasty", my little took his sweet time getting ready this morning. He was up at 6:15 am, but, even rising as early as that, he sometimes like to doddle. I don't know if this is an old Southern word. It means to take one's sweet time going about a task, potentially diverting to 18 other tasks in a unhurried manner, before having the taskmaster (as known as Mom) tell you to focus one too many times in order to rush out the door to school.

Late... again. He hasn't enjoyed school much lately. Understandably, this newfound hesitation helps him get distracted in the morning to not think about how much he doesn't like going to his new class. So, after being pushed (according to him) out the door to leave and hurried through the tardy process and straight to mandatory breakfast at school, he wasn't in a great mood. I sat with him during breakfast. A teacher had moved his cup (I brought him herbal tea to lift his spirits) and replaced it with another student's breakfast meal. The only other seats were beside kids who he emphatically and continuously states get him in trouble. I stick to the "Your actions get you in trouble, D. Not anyone else's," but I stay to ensure positivity. It's difficult for all of us to come out of that mindset after a rough start.

Anyhow...he eats, and we go back to the classroom with the class. While we are putting his backpack, lunch, folder, jacket, hat, gloves, scarf, et al., away, I see his sweet friend who lives down the street. She is pulling her backpack away from another child while the assistant teacher is saying, "It's not all about you, Sarah." in about five different ways with a tone I don't appreciate as a parent. I am not able to imitate this in such a way that would do it justice. Only deeply Southern older women are able to accomplish this.

It stuck with me. Why is she talking to her like this? She is trying to get her backpack away from another girl, and the AT is saying this to her from across the room, seemingly oblivious to the fact that she and the other girl are in a quarrel. The teacher is talking to another teacher by the door. I alert the AT by name and nod towards the children. I try not to parent other kids, especially in the classroom setting. She got up and took the bag away and told them both to go sit down.

Still I looked at the AT to see if there was any malice in her mannerisms. Maybe she was having a bad day? No. She seemed completely fine. So why in the world did she speak to Sarah this way? Do they talk to all of the students this way? Is this part of learning in Pre-K?

It's not all about you. I suppose the statement was true, but is that how I would want her to address a child, any child, but especially my child?

I admit that in the five minutes of this happening I contemplated whether I needed to send my son to private school to make sure he was treated well. Is that too much of a reaction?

All of these littles are learning who they are, to believe in themselves, to develop social skills in this essential time of their lives. Is this retraining necessary? Yes, I acknowledge that this is a concept that they will have to learn. Many of them have come from being at home with a parent to this classroom setting. It is imperative that they comprehend that the needs of the class are more important (within reason) than the needs of the one. But the tone. The delivery method of badgering is not the right way to teach.

What are your thoughts? What would you do?

Because it is. It is all about them. It is all about how wonderful and creative and smart and funny and lovely and beautiful and innocent she is, he is, they are. How we speak matters. The words we choose matter. The tone we use matters. The way that we guide them matters. It makes a huge difference in their lives.

Do I really need to quote Mr. Rogers? I think I do. Not because you need to hear it, but because he is amazing, and everyone needs to hear his words and remember the huge impact he made in our lives.

"As human beings, our job in life is to help people realize how rare and valuable each one of us really is, that each of us has something that no one else has--or ever will have--something inside that is unique to all time. It's our job to encourage each other to discover that uniqueness and to provide ways of developing its expression." The World According to Mister Rogers (Kindle Locations 463-465).

This article is wonderful; if you can, take the time to read it. Here is an exert:

Rogers was extraordinarily good at imaging where children's minds might go. Rogers ...wrote a song called "You Can Never Go Down the Drain) because he knew that drains were something that, to kids, seemed to exist solely to suck things down.

On set a loving parody was written reviewing the demanding process of getting all the words just right. "What Fred understood and was very direct and articulate about was that the inner life of children was deadly serious to them."

Here are nine steps for translating one idea into Freddish (Fred approved language for kids).

1. "State the idea you wish to express as clearly as possible, and in terms preschoolers can understand." Example: It is dangerous to play in the street.

2. "Rephrase in a positive manner." as in It is good to play where it is safe.

3. "Rephrase the idea, bearing in mind that preschoolers cannot yet make subtle distinctions and need to be redirected to authorities they trust." As in, "Ask your parents where it is safe to play."

4. "Rephrase your idea to eliminate all elements that could be considered prescriptive, directive, or instructive." In the example, that'd min getting rid of "ask": Your parents will tell you where it is safe to play.

5. Rephrase any element that suggests certainty." That'd be "will": Your parents can tell you where it is safe to play.

6. “Rephrase your idea to eliminate any element that may not apply to all children.” Not all children know their parents, so: Your favorite grown-ups can tell you where it is safe to play.

7. "Add a simple motivational idea that give preschoolers a reason to follow your advice." Perhaps: Your favorite grown-ups can tell you where it is safe to play. It is good to listen to them.

8. "Rephrase your new statement, repeating the first step." "Good" represents a value judgment, so: Your favorite grown-ups can tell you where it is safe to play. It is good to listen to them.

9. "Rephrase your idea a final time, relating it to some phase of development a preschooler can understand." Maybe: Your favorite grown-ups can tell you where it is safe to play. It is important to try to listen to them, and listening is an important part of growing.

I know. It can be a little daunting to break it down that much, but once you start taking care to intentionally use words that will help them understand, it gets easier. And they deserve your effort. How we talk to them will become their inner voice. Please be kind.